American Horror Story: Asylum- "Welcome to Briarcliff"

Psst... Your mascara is running

Well, all you American Horror Story fans out there.  I hope you didn't set your DVRs to record "American Horror Story" last night.  Because if you did, you missed it.  That's right.  It's called "American Horror Story: ASYLUM" now.  Ya know, because the last one was a miniseries and was always intended to be so...

I can't stand Ryan Murphy.  Let's get that out of the way.  I thought last season was uneven, had a very disappointing last few episodes, and one scene I would begrudgingly say was fantastic.  All in all, I was pretty deadset on NOT watching Asylum.  But I realized I was most likely going to be watching against my will anyway, so I thought, perhaps I could spread my haterade.

Speaking of things I hate, Adam Levine makes his acting debut as a newlywed on a honeymoon with his wife, exploring the 12 most haunted places.  First of all Adam, let's not do this.  Second of all, worst honeymoon ever.  12 most haunted places where?  The United States?  The world?  Who knows?  Not Ryan Murphy.

They visit Briarcliff Manor, an abandoned asylum.  The most famous resident, they say, was a serial killer named Bloody Face.  Levine's character, Leo, straps his wife down... always a good idea in a haunted area, but then they hear a noise that she wants to investigate.  They come to a door with a slot, and Leo sticks his arm inside.  He fakes out his wife, Teresa, acting like his arm got caught.  Yet again, another brilliant idea.

Well Teresa really wants to know what's behind the door, so she asks Leo to stick his arm in again and take a picture with her iPhone.  And what do you know, his arm gets ripped off.  Um, you deserved that.

We flashback in time, where Kit Walker, formerly Tate, is pumping gas.  Gas is 30 cents a gallon, which is price gouging, apparently.  I learned everything I know about gas prices from the debate a couple of nights ago.  So since gas was apparently $1.86 in 2008, I'm going to guess this scene takes place in the early 1990s.

A bunch of Kit's friends come into the gas station wanting to take his gun.  They seem like real jerks, I don't know why he's friends with them.  He says no to letting them take the gun, and all of a sudden they're like, oh we heard you have a maid.  Ummmm, k.

Well Kit goes home, and guess what you guys?  It's not his maid, it's his wife, and she's black!  Leave it to Ryan Murphy to push the envelope.  All of a sudden there is a blinding light, and he is abducted by aliens.

We enter the asylum as Jessica Lange's Sister Jude is shaving Chloe Sevigny's head.  Sevigny is a nymphomanic named Shelly, and she says proudly, "You can shave me bald as a cue ball and I'd still be the hottest tamale in this joint!!"

Ryan Murphy.  What have I done to deserve this?

There's a big to-do at the asylum because Bloody Face is arriving that day.  There's a lot of suspense, but I'm not sure why, because we've only met one character so far, and that's Kit.  So there you have it.

In the present day, Leo asks his dear wife if he's going to bleed out.  The answer is yes.  She tries to run out of the house to grab his cell phone (remember, hers was in the hand that got ripped from his body) buuuut come to find out, they're locked in the house.  Sorry Teresa, but you asked for it boo.

Dr. Arden works at Briarcliff, and Sister Jude is at odds with him.  It seems patients without families constantly go missing, and she thinks he is up to no good.  Dr. Arden claims Kit as his newest subject.  He is doing research on brains or something.  He finds a hard lump in Kit's neck, and cuts it open.  He pulls out a computer chip looking thing, which sprouts legs and scurries away.

This whole time, a journalist has been getting a suspicious feeling about Briarcliff and decides to do some investigating, and to try to get some information out of Bloody Face.  Genius that she is, she sticks her head in the slot where Leo got his arm ripped off.  She gets grabbed, slammed into the door and knocked out.

Oh, and GUESS WHAT!  The journalist is a lesbian.  Look at all these people breaking social norms~  Kind of loses its pizzazz when no one on the show conforms to "social norms" though.  Anyway, she lives with a school teacher who is very cautious about making sure no one finds out she's a lesbian because people won't want her to teach their kids.  So Sister Jude is able to coerce the teacher into signing over the journalist's custody to the asylum.

Dr. Arden is scrubbing the room behind the slot, and Sister Jude suspects he's had something living in there.

At the close of the episode, Leo lays bleeding on the ground, while Teresa runs around.  She runs into a man with no eyelids, who I can only imagine is Bloody Face.

I'm going to be frank.  I thought this episode stunk.  I am very easily frightened, and I rolled my eyes through the whole episode.  Do I feel bad for you if you get your arm ripped off in a haunted abandoned asylum?  No I don't.  Do I feel bad for you if you go snooping in an asylum that you already think is shady and get yourself admitted?  I don't.

I could get behind all the flashbacks last season.  They made sense.  But what is the point of Leo and Teresa this season??  So you can find a part for Adam Levine?

I happen to LOVE stories about serial killers.  But "Bloody Face"?  Really, that's the name you're going with?  Super unimaginative, since he's wearing a bloody face over his own face.  This was an unintriguing mess.  I'm sure many will disagree with me.  Anyone like it?  Convince me it was good!

Picture Source: FX