"chirp," just sayin'
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Mob Wives: What's in Drita's New Book?
Where to begin?
While we are waiting for some actual news from Mob Wives on Drita's new book, here is a little sample from what I imagine will be in her book. The book that Lee doesn't want her to write. The book that a "co-author" or ghostwriter will work on with her. The book that may have more editing than a whole season of Mob Wives before it gets published.
Some working titles: "The Woman with the Blinged Wrench," "Violence is the Answer," "I Want To Eat Your Face Off"
Dedication: To all the Crickets, "Haters are like crickets they chirp all fucking day and you walk by them and they shut the fuck up." - Drita Davanzo.
Chapter 1: My Childhood
I was born to immigrant parents who came from Albania. My parents were old world people, conservative and traditional in their ways. As a child, I have never been bullied, but I got into a lot of fights trying to protect other kids from douchbag bullies. My father is a soccer coach for a woman's team at a New York University. He grew up playing soccer in Albania and trained my brother and I in the sport. I was so good at it that I would even play on my brother's team. I had a chance to get an athletic scholarship to college, but instead my life took another turn.
Chapter 2: The Karen Years
I flipped off the college plans my parents wanted for me and the dreams my father had of me being a professional soccer player. Instead, I started hanging out in bars drinking and of course, fighting. Big Ang owned a bar called "Nocturnal," that was my regular hangout. That's how Ang and I got close. I would fight someone and then she would hide me before the cops got there. It was awesome. I met and became friends with Karen Gravano when I was 19, like for two years. Whatever. We hung out together. She was dating Lee at the time. (Maybe I should leave this part out?) Karen and Lee were on again off again. When Karen's family moved to Arizona we stopped being friends. She moved. I married Lee and never told her. She found out from some snitch. Like I said, we stopped being friends so why should I call and tell her? Just because I lived with her and we hung out? I don't think so. Karen's a friend, Karen's not a friend . . . what the hell do you want? I'm a flip-flopper.
Chapter 3: Life With Lee
I married Lee and my family practically disowned me. Lee was part of the Springville Boys, a farm team of the mob. They didn't approved of him. I got pregnant with Aleeya and Lee went to jail for seven years. Then he came out and I got pregnant with Giselle. He cheated on me while he was out. (Maybe I should leave this part out?) I didn't know about it. Then he went back to jail for another robbery. They filmed how I found out about the cheating on the show during the beauty salon scene. That's when I decided to get a divorce. I changed my mind about that after Lee came home. I want a divorce, I don't want a divorce, like I said, I'm a flip-flopper.
Chapter 4: Mob Wives
I got an opportunity to be on Mob Wives to help me support my kids while Lee was in prison. I took it. I want to build an empire for my girls. The show was exhausting. They brought back Karen who wanted to talk about friendship every f*ckin' minute. What f*ckin' friendship did we have? She moved to Arizona years ago. She keeps talking about a f*ckin' timeline! Thank God for Carla, she had my back for three solid seasons. Carla was a real and loyal friend. We had dinner at each other's houses and went on vacations together outside the show. But Carla didn't come back for season 4. We lost touch with each other even though we both live on Staten Island. We stopped talking. What did she expect, she f*ckin' left Mob Wives? And then she teamed up with Karen and Ramona, telling people I sold them out by going back for season 4. So what if I broke the pack we all made? (Maybe I should leave that part out?) Anyway, they brought her back at the end of season 5 for a hot minute for Renee's MobCandy Anniversary Party. Yes I grabbed my coat and ran out of there. I had a date with Lee, I had to pack for vacation, blah blah blah, it had nothing to do with Carla being there. She was insulted? Who cares? Talking to her is like talking to mothballs. We aren't friends like that any more! That's right, we aren't friends any more and, like I said before, she should have known I was a flip-flopper from day one.
Chapter 5: The Natalies
In season 5 my dear "friend" Alicia the Goddess of embezzlement didn't return. Instead they got another Natalie from Philly to add to the cast. I really liked Nat G from season 4. Then I met Nat D at a photoshoot where I did her makeup. I really liked Nat D. Nat D told me some stuff about Nat G, so I didn't like Nat G and confronted her. Then Nat G told me some things about Nat D, so I confronted her and didn't like her. I was friends with Nat G. I was friends with Nat D. It was like a f*ckin' tennis match. Now I ain't friends with nobody. No more gnats in my life. Now, in season 6, I'm friends with Brittany Fogarty. She is my kind of friend . . . until she isn't.
"chirp," just sayin'
"chirp," just sayin'