Monday, September 17, 2012

Mob Wives Chicago: Reunion Skit Parody

That's off the charts on the BS OMeter

If VH1 won’t bring us a Mob Wives Chicago Reunion Show, then I guess I will create one in a skit. It’s a little quiet for mob news right now, so what else do I have to do. After all we had no closure after season one, except the drama that took place on Twitter. I was paying attention. It was rough. It would have made for a good show if they hadn’t put it all out in public, but oh well. 

Anyway, now we need a host, but who is up to the challenge? Who do we know who can cut through the BS and get the heart of the matter? Hmmmm, I say let’s go with Nancy Grace!

Nancy Grace: Tonight we are going to meet with the ladies of Mob Wives Chicago for the Reunion Show of season one. Here are Leah, Pia, Nora, Renee, and Christina! It’s nice to meet you all…or maybe I better reserve that opinion until after the show? When they asked me to host the show I was flattered, I had never watched it, I have my own show to do. I somehow managed to sit through all eleven episodes, so now I am caught up. Let’s get to it ladies! Audience, buckle your seatbelts! Leah, your story line focused on your mother’s illness.

Leah: Yes, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and has been undergoing treatment. It was hard to film and be there for my mom at the same time. 

Nancy: Yes, I imagine it would be very difficult. Did you think of leaving the show to be there for her.

Leah: No, the show was a distraction for me and I had committed to season one so I wasn’t going to let Jenn Graziano and the other ladies down. I had time for both. 

Nancy: I couldn’t help, but noticed that your “friends” weren’t very supportive on the show, they seemed self absorbed in their own petty issues.

Leah: Well what are you gonna do? I mean I asked them over and over to be there for my mom and they just didn’t have it in them. I was too emotionally exhausted to fight with anyone about it.

Nancy: Well, I hope your mother makes a full recovery Leah. Pia, there were a couple of women who made a big issue about your “pole” dancing.

Pia: Yeah, Renee and Nora were very hard on me about that most of the season. I don’t know what their problem was, I did it to make a living for me and my daughter. They know that I was a struggling single mom doing the best I could at the time. It was never meant to be a permanent career choice.

Nancy: Yes and I was really amazed at how upset Renee was about it, especially because she didn’t even know you, why would she care? And Nora, who was a close friend of yours, did pole dancing herself for a while, which seemed hypocritical, wouldn’t you say?

Nora: Now just hold on there Nancy, I only pole danced for 3 months, not 10 years! 

Pia: Where the f*ck do you get 10 years from? I danced for three years, period! You only danced for three months because you STUNK at it and were fired!

Nancy: That’s very true Nora, my staff checked it out. We do our homework because of all that legal mumbo jumbo like slander and libel. So just to be clear, Pia danced for three years, so update your insults. Speaking of legal issues, Renee you had your own to deal with in getting custody of your daughter, Isabella, correct. Her father had spent many years in prison.

Renee: Yes Nancy, that’s true. It was a f*cking ordeal. Her father is out of prison now and has been trying to take her away from me, but thank God the courts saw through his BS.

Nancy: Amazing that the custody issue was conveniently solved during season one. Speaking of BS, Renee, your daughter Giana has been visiting her father, Ottavio Volpe, in prison correct? You really know how to pick’em Renee!

Renee: Yes she has. Her relationship with her father was causing problems between us, but we settled it. I am not standing in her way any more.

Nancy: So what is her father in prison for, can you tell us?

Renee: He was sent to prison for his involvement in a brutal murder. It came out on the show.

Nancy: Oh really? Not all of it came out though. We investigated all the details about the murder of the poor old lady in Florida. It was pretty disgusting they way she was brutally beaten, taped up with duct tape with a silk flower jammed down her throat, so that she suffocated on her own blood! Wouldn’t you say so? (Audience GASPS).

Renee: I don’t really want to go into the f*ckin’ details. It is what it is.

Nancy: No? Well that’s why I am here, to ask the hard questions. Did you think this was going to be a tea party? My staff brings it to my attention that you and your daughter went along with the story line and brought Mr. Volpe’s past criminal history on the show, correct? You opened the door and made it public common knowledge? My staff also tells me that you got infuriated with a certain blog for reporting the facts of his case to their readers, is that true?

Renee: (outraged) I was told this wasn’t going to be brought up and rehashed! I don’t have to listen to this f*ckin’BS, I am leaving! (walks off set)

Nancy: The only BS here is that you don’t own your responsibility. If not for you and your daughter, no one would know Mr. Volpe existed, except for me of course, because I am a fact checker. By the way Renee, he pleaded guilty and got life plus 20 years. I don’t make this stuff up. Bye-bye Renee. Back to you Nora, your father has quite a reputation in Chicago.

Nora: My father was never convicted of anything, every crime concerning him is “alleged.” 

Nancy: Yes, I am well aware of his “alleged” crimes. He was considered to “allegedly” be the most notorious hit man of the “Outfit,” true?

Nora: I take the fifth (of Pia’s Cold Steel VODKA) and a glass of The German on that one, Nancy.

Nancy: That’s fine, Nora. It would take too long to delve into your father’s past. But you did exhume his body and determined it was him in the grave, correct?

Nora: Yes, I was able to finally get closure from dental records. That was the happiest day of my life. Now my father and I can rest in peace with his wine eternally flowing through my veins!

Nancy: Okaaaaaaay then, moving on to Christina. So let me get this straight. Your storyline is that you got divorced, but never told anyone about it?

Christina: Yes, that’s true, I was trying to protect my daughter so she wouldn’t be hurt.

Nancy: And just how long did you plan on lying to your daughter? Weren’t you concerned she would eventually find out from someone else? How bout that?

Christina: I always planned on telling her and when I agreed to do the show I knew it had to be done. As it turns out, a neighbor’s kid told her about it before I could, and then she came to me.

Nancy: Well, I think parents should always be honest with their children, the truth always comes out. Now about your interview with the clothing designer, Anastasia, are you still working there as an intern? Do you even remember the designer’s name?

Christina: Hmmmm, well, not exactly. I am designing clothes at home and working with a company to produce my own line.

Nancy: Really? My staff says you are on Twitter 24/7 talking to your “fans.” There has been some question of how many followers you really have. Did you in fact “buy” followers from Amazon to make yourself appear more popular than you really are? It’s been reported that over 80% of your followers are allegedly fake, how bout that?

Christina: That’s crazy BS started by that stupid blog! 

Nancy: My staff looked into it, it appears there is some truth to the claims. Oh, I see you are registered on “Dial-A-Star,” where fans can talk to you for $10 a minute? How bout that?

Christina: Yes I am. I have had great conversations with two of my 24,000 fans.

Nancy: Don’t you think signing on to something like that smacks of pathetic desperation? 

Christina: No I don’t! What the hell is this an ambush? Who the hell’s business is it what I do? I thought we were here to discuss season one? I’m getting the f*ck out of here!

Nancy: Bye-bye Christina, you’ll find Renee in the green room sipping margaritas. It seems we have lost two guests due their being off the charts on the BS O-Meter! Oh well, no matter, we are out of time. Before you clog up my website with questions, there has been no Official announcement of a season two as yet. You will have to “stay tuned,” as Leah says, and follow for all the latest information on your favorite mob wives.

P.S. To update your scorecard, if you don’t follow the wives on Twitter, this is what I have gathered: Leah is NOT friends with Christina and Renee, but she is very close to Pia. Funny how my two favorites ended up with each other? Don’t know where everyone else stands and am waiting for word on a season two! 


Anonymous said...

Ha! Love Nancy Grace- she she start doing reunions. I said this months ago, lol!

cwedd30 said...

Dial a star?! Wtf? That's.....well im just speechless! The Chicago Wives were a mess for sure I only watched because I support Jenn. It definitely did not tide me over for my NY Wives! What a mess!! RECAST!! Lets get some real fun going in the windy city!! I'd keep Leah, Pia and yes Renee toss the rest!