Big Ang is behind the bar at the Drunken Monkey, when Linda comes down for a visit. Big Ang passes off her mixed drink, minus the lemon, to Linda and the two girls talk about what they are going to do for their birthdays. Big Ang's sister, Janine, has her birthday also in the same week, so she says it’s always a crazy time. Big Ang likes the idea of getting some plastic surgery. Linda calls her the plastic surgery queen and says let me give you some good anesthesia so I can rip your face apart. I don't think Big Ang liked the sound of that. In comes Anthony, aka Cashiolo aka Tan Tony. I’m not sure which name I want to refer to him as of yet. He's carrying some helmets. Linda's eyes light up and says, "Yeah, Ang you wanna do that?" No way in hell Big Ang says. I'm scared of that and it’s too manly. Last time I was riding a 4 wheeler I drove through the fence and into the pool. Big Ang pauses a few seconds and in that voice she says.…“I almost died.” She definitely doesn't like the look or sound of this idea, but Linda says its a great thing to have between your legs and it gives a good orgasm. Well there goes my long-lived question. I was wondering if that was true. Anthony insists it will make them feel young and Big Ang says alright. she'll try it once.
Linda and Lil Jenn stop by Big Ang's house, where Ang is attempting to clean leaves out of the pool and is looking disgusted. She pretty much heave ho's the skimmer and sits down. Kilo's breath nearly makes Lil Jenn gasp, as she moves a seat over from the dog. Big Ang tells them she needs a pool boy. Someone to bring me towels and wipe my sweaty head when I need it. Linda says she's got one of those, and Big Ang says she got every kind of boy. Big Ang tells the girls about her idea for Janine's birthday. She wants to have a surprise party for her sister. She's been so supportive with AJ and she's always there for her. They decide Janine's house would be the best place. They say that Janine is like Robocop and they'll have to really try to keep it a secret. Lil Jenn calls her the mother ship because of how she’s always hovering over things. Well, by the looks of this crew, I'm happy they have someone to hover over them! Big Ang says everyone has to be “lipped and zipped.”
Big Ang stops by Janine's house to talk to Dominick (Janine's husband) about the party. They go over the plans and how they are going to keep her busy for that day. Big Ang tells Dom she's going to take her over to Sexy Tina's salon. They go outside to scope the pool area and Big Ang is very happy Dom is onboard. After all, Big Ang says, Dom knows what we like: loud music, we can all agree with that; great food, as we know Big Ang loves to cook; and tons of liquor, I think we've all witnessed that so far too. Dom asks Big Ang what Neil is doing for her, for her birthday and Big Ang says nothing. Four years and no gift. If Neil gets me a gift I'm gonna roll over and die from shock. Dom says if that was him, he would of been thrown out four years ago. Big Ang says don't you notice I throw Neil out every July. Hasn't Neil learned his lesson yet? I hope he got her a gift last birthday.Janine walks in on the two of them and questions why they're there. I liked it when Big Ang answers, “well he lives here and I well just stopped over on my way to the bar.” I wonder if Janine's radar went off then, cause Big Ang certainly looked surprised.
Janine stops over Big Ang's house, where she's eating fresh mozzarella, and makes a comment about it clogging arteries. I, for one, could never give that up! Big Ang tells Janine how she needs a pool boy and her help in interviewing them. Dom is home sneaking the party supplies into the house and this distracts Janine for a while. Big Ang explains that she wants someone to service the pool, get her towels, put oil on her and come in the hot tub with her. She can always call Sandy stitches for that, she's a good sport. The first guy they interview, Vinny, explains he really only services pools and suggests maybe they are looking for a cabana boy. Strictly Business? “NO!,” Big Ang says, she's looking for Frisky Business. The next contender, Chris, wants to charge $200.00 a day for his services. Are you serious the two ladies ask? Next up is Franky. They girls comment on how cute he is and when he says, "that's what my grandma tells me," the two of them get turned off and exclaim “NEXT!”
In comes Dane. Definitely very cute and very young. He tells them he was a swim instructor. Oh good Big Ang says, “I can't swim, so I'm going to need you.” He understands the needs here. I can feed you champagne grapes (has he done this before? How the heck does he know what champagne grapes are at his age?) His fees are $7.00 an hour. To top it off, he says he makes a mean sangria. I hope Big Ang returns my phone call, as I asked her for his number. If all else fails, Janine tells Ang, you can have my pool boy, he's 300 pounds with red hair.
Big Ang and Linda go to ride the motorcycle. Big Ang tells Linda this is her dream, not hers. Big Ang thinks the helmet is heavy and she's scared. Linda calls her a chicken. The guy giving the lessons starts to rattle off about the throttle. Big Ang says she already forgot everything. He goes on to explain nearly every motorcycle instruction there is and Big Ang says it’s too much for her. He says they haven't even started moving yet and she says she don't wanna move. Linda goes on her short ride and is very happy whoo-hooing and screaming “who's your mama.” At that moment I guess it happened, maybe it is true. I think Linda humped the motorcycle. Big Ang says she's proud, and decides she wants to try it once. Linda takes Big Ang for a circle ride and asks Big Ang who's her best buddy rider.
Big Ang brings Janine to Sexy Tina's salon. They are getting pedicures when Janine says, Dom is taking her out, it's a surprise! Big Ang says oh, maybe he'll take you to the city. Janine says every time they go to the city she ends up pregnant. Big Ang gives a big eye roll and says, “don't go to the city.” Big Ang cuts her pedicure short, she has so much to do and she can't waste her time getting pampered. She tells Tina that no matter what, she has to keep Janine there till 7:30. Tina decides she'll give Janine some alcohol and get her drunk. Big Ang tells her to hush-hush. When Big Ang gets back to me with the cabana boys phone number, I’ll ask for Sexy Tina's number also. The place where I get my pedicures doesn't serve cocktails. Big Ang leaves in a panic rush, and realizes it's raining. She drives home in a monsoon and gets to the house. She wants to know where everyone is. Dom is nearly having a heart attack and Lil Jenn tells Big Ang everyone has been calling her to see if the party is still on. Miraculously the rain stops. The guests start to arrive. Dom is going to pick up Janine in his shorts and shirt so he'll have the perfect excuse why he has to come back to the house to change. Big Ang's brother, Steve, makes the announcement that they have arrived. I love this guy, off screen that is. Dom is walking Janine in and she starts asking him why all the lights are on. Then she complains about a towel being on the floor. Everyone on the other side is silent. Janine walks in and everyone yells, “SURPRISE!” I think she was. Big Ang and Janine have a moment, and Janine says that Big Ang is the best sister evaaaa. Big Ang is happy she was surprised, and not even Janine's kids ratted. Let's party. Rain doesn't stop this group. We see Lil Jenn drinking shots, Franky dancing with Sandy stitches, we catch a glimpse of Anthony and Sandy the plumber, Lil Jenn drinking shots, oh and Lil Jenn drinking more shots. The party looks like a good time.
Back at Big Ang's house, the girls are sitting by the pool enjoying the cabana boy. Linda calls Big Ang, “Barbarella,” and says Jane Fonda had nothing on you. Dane, the cabana boy, is keeping up with the girls needs. Who's sweating and needs a napkin to wipe their brow and who needs some ice in their glass. I can't believe Linda asks Dane if he brought a vibrator. Linda, do you really need one? Big Ang says she needs someone to never say no. They go in the pool for a dip. Dane is feeding Big Ang those champagne grapes. In the midst of all this, Neil comes home. He questions why she needs a pool boy. Big Ang says it’s a gift for herself for her birthday. Dane is fanning the girls and Big Ang says he's there for all her needs. She needs presents. Neil says her present is coming. The girls chime in and dismiss Neil. The girls end the show in giggles and the fun they are having with Dane.
Another fun-filled day in the life of Big Ang. I sure hope she gets back to me with those phone numbers. Stay tuned next week. Mob Wives Chicago has ended, but Big Ang will be back for 3 more episodes!
Written By: Carmela Corleone
Follow me on twitter @carmelacorleone