Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Mob Wives: Auld Lang Syne for an Eye Recap

The tension between Teresa Giudice and every single other living soul in North Jersey has been at a slow boil since Christmas but this week starts very calm, almost to calm. Mama Manzo is hosting her Sunday night radio show “Caroline Rules” at New Jersey 101.5 (F*cK, NOT NY, NOT PHILA intro is in my head) and the topic; resolutions and new beginnings. And as fate would have it…Our little blinged out Melissa just happens to be in her BIG blinged out SUV listening to Caroline say in her best Marlon voice “DON’T LET ANYONE INTIMIDATE YOU – ESPECIALLY IF YOUR DOING SOME THING PURE IN YOUR HEART” There was a tear running down my cheek…or was it sweet from the hot flashes?

At that moment, MiniMel calls Teresa and invites them over for a play date. Now, I have to give Melissa credit she extended the olive branch even if she does want to beat her with it instead. And even if this is just a front to bait Tee and bring up Kathy Walike, she seems genuine in getting the cousins together. Teresa attitude on the phone was nothing less than rude as she rambles about her stomach flu and busy life.

Jacqueline Laurita is desperate trying to find anyone who can reason with her 20 year old daughter Ashley. Why she hasn’t grabbed that girl by her hair and slapped her into next Tuesday is beyond me. I know violence is never the answer, but WTF! Jacqueline pleads with her parents for help and sends Grandpop Jerry to perform the exorcism. He comes in to find the little Angel sketching Marilyn Monroe. After a few awkward seconds he compliments her art, and suggests a career using her drawings. THE GIRL GOT SOME MAD SKILLS.

Caroline calls the Kathy Wakile extends an invitation for the New Year’s Eve celebration at the Brownstone. Kathy sounds genuine and appreciative for the invite but doesn’t want to make things awkward. Caroline say’s “I like to think that we’re all adults and we can get together in a room and just have a good time and act appropriately.” She has been part of the first 2 seasons, right?

Blah Blah Blah, Lauren Manzo starting a beauty bar in the Chateau Salon & Spa. Ashley designs some shirts for her. Lauren doesn’t like them. Ashley has attitude. Blah Blah Blah

It’s the afternoon of the play date the Gorga kids Antonia and Gino are ready for some serious play time. BUT WAIT, OH HELL NO! Princess Antonia is dressed in a sweater with a purse on the front with the iconic C’s. The only Chanel I’ve ever had was bought was from a guy on Chanel Street behind the Starbucks.

At Teresa’s the girls are running wild. Milania is tossing all her cloths on the floor. Tee calls her a Terror and says this is why she’s late! Really Tee? 3 hours later, they arrive at Aunt Melissa’s like they each had 2 Red Bulls on the way over. Let me point out they live maybe 5 minutes away.

Melissa being a lot more gracious then I’d be welcoming guest that are 3 hours late offers some chicken cutlet, Teresa snaps back they’re on their way to dinner. It's clear Teresa is on Edge! She looks uncomfortable and out of place and it shows in in her whole appearance. She looks rough! Naturally, she passes on Melissa’s offer of spritzer or water and asks for wine (Mother’s little liquid helper) to relax. Gia (Love the Fedora), Teresa, and Melissa finally sit down and Melissa immediately brings up Kathy Wakile. Melissa accuses Teresa of being nasty towards Kathy at the Brownstone. Teresa says Kathy started it saying ““Now we’ve become distant, now she’s your buddy,” and “Meanwhile I’m your sister-in-law, but that’s fine.” (Sure Tee, you’re that secure). Then she blames all this on Kathy for not having her in her wedding 20yrs ago. Richie and his constant insults and obsession also caused the problem. Really? But Melissa say’s Joe is guilty of making cracks about Kathy’s weight but Teresa won’t have Joe-Rilla’s good name being slandered like this and says “What’s the big deal?” adding “That’s Joe’s opinion.”

The conversation moves on to Teresa’s new “family” cookbook. Melissa offers some “family” recipes. “No,” Teresa says. “Do you have any?” “We all know that bitch doesn’t cook,” Teresa tells us. Melissa is just as busy in her new (cough cough) recording studio and album. Teresa’s comeback “I have to say, nowadays anybody can be singer,” using Kim Kardashian as an example. OUCH! Teresa’s was a total Bee-Otch at Melissa’s and her made herself look like a jealous, vengeful, unhappy, housewife on the verge of a mental breakdown. This only makes Melissa look BETTER. Who would’ve thought our little Mini Mel would take the high road. BUT…is this real? I know Tee is off her rocker this season but my suspicions about Melissa just won’t go away. Hmmmmm

At Teresa’s it’s the normal chaos. And then it happened! What will be the Quote of season 3 if not every season of every Bravo Housewife franchise is uttered from the mouth of Babes. “Gimme pizza, you old troll,” Milania says her father. Who does in fact look like an old troll. CLASSIC! Cut to Teresa. “I love that the girls are old enough to go to this party,” Teresa tells us. “They’re so well-behaved, and as a mom, that makes me feel so proud.”

The New Year’s Eve party at the Brownstone is in full swing. Teresa is with Caroline and Jacqueline explaining that even though Joe and Melissa came over Christmas Eve she is now upset because they left to go to Kathy’s. Jacqueline and Caroline don’t see this as an insult and then Caroline tells Tee she invited the Wakile’s. Caroline says “I didn’t want to get sucked into a problem with Kathy and all that,” Teresa’s face is priceless. But I call foul on this too. This is a family party and never in the 20 years of the Wakile’s being were customers they ever invited before. Caroline also stated in the beginning of the season she didn’t know them. So what is it? Does she know them or not, are they family not family, WHAT GIVES MAMA MANZO.

The Wakile’s naturally arrive with homemade cookies to give to their hostess. I think it’s odd! Do they know it’s a catered event? It’s a very nice thought but a little odd for this type of party. As the Wakile’s are saying hello to everyone Teresa walks off and tells us Kathy’s only interested in cooking because of the success of her cookbook. Is Teresa jealous of everyone and really this insecure? Tee maybe the Zoloft need to be re adjusted?

Joe Gorgeous is doing what he does best…being gorgeous, upbeat, enjoying himself as he pours drinks behind the bar. Joe-Rilla being the only way he knows how…A BIG F*CKING DOUCH BAG. Yells to his brother in-law “Hey punk-ass, get me a drink!” Chris Laurita hears this and looks mortified. It seems Mr. Gorgeous doesn’t hear his sister’s loser husband or simply takes the high road. When F*uck Face sees Richie he greets him with “Mr. Dickface.” Kathy claims that this “banter” is typical but I get the feeling it’s not.

The ladies wind up together to chat while Kathy is out enjoying herself. Somehow Kathy got the gene that avoids drama. Melissa tells Teresa she’s glad that she’s okay with Kathy being there. Teresa says she’s only happy because it’s New Year’s. “Let’s get real,” Melissa says. “You’re happy that we’re all together?” Then Melissa points out that Kathy is actually Teresa’s blood, not Melissa’s. “But she put a bad taste in my blood,” Teresa says. OMG, who says that? IT’S TASTE IN MY MOUTH; I know I say it a lot for some reason too.

Melissa suggests they take a vacation to Punta Cana. “You go on vacation with people that you want to hang out with,” Teresa says. Caroline thinks it will be nice. Teresa says she can’t forgive Kathy for her actions at the christening. How dare Kathy pull Teresa’s kids into another room when Mommy and Daddy want to bitch slap the hosts. “You said to me at Jacqueline’s house that family is most important to you,” Melissa points out to a confused Teresa. “This is your family.” Melissa tells her and then invites Jacqueline and Caroline to go with them. Caroline predictably accepts. Jacqueline says “I want to be there for Teresa and I want to see her end this with her family,” and adds “I know it can be easily resolved if Teresa wasn’t so stubborn.” I have to call you out on this one Jacq’s. You just want to feel included and this is the only way you can have any relevance to the drama happening this season. Christopher is going to be thrilled!

Kathy who is now the only sane person left at this party goes over to Teresa and says she didn't get the chance to wish her a Happy New Year! Teresa’s response...We did on the dance floor like she was having a flash back to the Danielle Days.

Like a scene out of a move, the camera pans back to Caroline looking over all her little disciples. In a hallmark moment her voiceover is played wishing all their little dreams come true…

It all ends with Richie saying “New Year, Same Shit.” God, I heart the Wakile’s.

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